I figure, I am taking ways to avoid the feelings. I talk more than i should be, perhaps, more than i would be. Cariss doesn't talk that much ! Reason behind was simple. I need to keep myself occupied. I need to get going. I shall not let anyone have any chance to talk, any chance to ask me about it, any chance to see me collapse. That is just beyond my boundaries. I dont care what was I talking, what was the content, what impression i am going to give people, I Don Care! The moment i stop - the moment i collapse.

I know i am such a chicken. But, seriously, i find it unbearable. The pain is waaaaayyyyyyyyyy too much than i can ever imagine. I cant handle it. Especially when I know what exactly went wrong. JUST ONE Questions ! I understand, such big firm wouldnt allow a single mistake, that is beyond acceptable range. And i know this is reasonable. BUT, i hate myself for doing that. why dont i prepare myself better, i wouldnt make that silly mistake, and i would be sitting in there doing work by NOW !! Dammit !! On the other hand, I understand the fact that its not like i am now black listed from the firm, and i never have chance to get my ass in there in the future. As long as i keep applying, one day i will get one in there. I UNDERSTAND all the facts. I have the strength to pick it up, and keep moving, because i am Cariss Ong. Just that, at this moment, I cant get over myself. At this moment, it hurts.

*Good Intention with Black mark
I made another mistake in the email to Paul McQueeney. Just 2 simple sentence, and i freaking make so many mistakes, still. Wrong punctuation, wrong grammar! Dammit. MC corrected me by replying my email. Seriously, how embarassing is that !! I understand his intention is just to help me. But, seriously, its really embarrassing that i made such silly mistake. Why am I keep making mistake.. Mistakes Mistakes and more Mistakes.. Dammit !! GGGrrrrrrr....